take the sixth exit
2024
Performance, 6 days
Me: Will you come out of there?
Her: No.
Me: Please? For me?
Her: It’s not safe out there!
Me: Its safe for now. I promise. He’s gone.
Her: Why can’t you come in here?
Me: That’s what you always say. And then you never want us to come out again. And we go right back to where we started.
Her: Because it’s safer in here?
Me: You just think its safer. But you’ve never been out here. So how could you possibly know?
Her: It just looks scary out there.
Me: Ok. Well, I’d really like to talk to you.
Her: Can I stay in here?
Me: [Slightly exasperated] Yes. Yes. You can stay in there – as long as you can hear me.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: Good. [Slight pause. I look down at my hands]. That wasn’t very nice, was it?
Her: No. I don’t like it when he shouts.
Me: No, me neither.
Her: Did I do something wrong?
Me: No, no. You didn’t do anything wrong, darling.
Her: Then why did he shout at me like that?
Me: I think he’s just angry at the world. But that doesn’t give him the right to treat you like that.
Her: It’s ok. He doesn’t mean it, really.
Me: No, no – it’s not ok. It’s not fair on you.
Her: But if he’s not really angry with me, then he’ll be nice again soon.
Me: And then what about when he stops being nice again?
Her: Well, I can hide in here.
Me: Why do you let him do this to you?
Her: Because I love him. I have to.
Me: What about the other people he hurt? Don’t you love them too?
Her: Of course I love them.
Me: So why do you protect him? Why didn’t you tell the police where they were?
Her: Well, maybe it would make him love me.
Me: You know, there are so many other people that love you.
Her: Really?
Me: Yeah.
Her: Like who?
Me: Well, there’s me for a start. I know I haven’t always made
you feel that way, and I’m so sorry for that. But I’m really trying to show you now.
Her: [softly] Ok.
Me: Will you come out of there and let me show you?
Her: I can’t.
Me: Why?
Her: I can’t leave him on his own. What if he needs me?
Me: Didn’t he leave you on your own when you needed him?
Her: He had to. He had to be with her. She got poorly again.
Me: She’s always going to be poorly, poppet.
Her: Is that why he’s so angry? I don’t remember him shouting like this before she was poorly.
Me: Yes, yes – I think that’s a big part of it.
Her: So, he’s always going to be angry?
Me: It always happens again. He seems to find it hard to listen.
Her: Can’t you just make him listen?
Me: But.. what if.. next time, he hits us?
Her: He’d never do that!
Me: Well I never thought he’d do it to them! But I saw it with my own eyes.
Her: But, but, maybe he’s poorly too! And he needs us to help make him better!
Me: I think he probably is, poppet. But he doesn’t seem to want to make himself better.
Her: Can’t you just try?
Me: I have tried. So many times. But it’s very difficult to help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves.
Her: So, what do we do?
Me: Well, I was thinking it might be time for me to try to help you, instead.
Her: Me!?
Me: Yeah.
Her: How?
Me: By being brave enough for the both of us! Just like when you were a big brave girl when she was poorly. You got through that all on your own.
Her: But that was so scary. I can’t do that again.
Me: I know, I know. But I’m here now. Look – I’m here. Can you see me?
Her: Who are all those other people?
Me: [Looking around at the audience] They’re here to show you how brave I can be. I even tried to do this naked, but they wouldn't let me. I think some of them might even want to help you.
Her: Really?
Me: Yeah. And we haven’t hurt you. Not like he has.
Her: What if they run away?
Me: What?
Her: Don’t they always run away?
Me: Well, even if they do, you’ll always have me.
Her: What if that’s not enough?
Me: [Hesitant] It is enough. We are enough.
Her: But, just in case – promise me you won’t tell them who he is?
Me: [Speechless, at a loss]. We shouldn’t even be having this conversation here.
Her: Why?
Me: This was supposed to be a conversation between me and him. [Gesturing towards the audience] That’s what they should all be watching, right now.
Her: You and him?
Me: Yeah. I was going to tell him something. Something very painful. Something that took me years to work up the courage to tell, for fear of his reaction. But something I hoped would finally help him understand me a little better and bring us closer together. I promise I’ll tell you when you’re a bit older. But for now, would you mind closing your ears so I can speak to the adults?
Her: Okay!(lalalalalalalalalalalala......)
Me: [Speaking directly to the audience in a narrative tone, void of emotion]. This was supposed to be a conversation between me and him, where I finally tell him about my abortion. And it was going to be so heartfelt and wholesome and injected with reams of empathy and compassion. But.. then.. the day I planned to tell him, well, it all kicked off, and then the baby, and the miscarriage...
Her: What’s an abortion?
Me: Abbie! I told you no to listen!
Her: I’m sorry.
Me: No, no its okay. You don’t need to worry about that right now. You have enough on your plate. But I promise, one day, when you’re ready, we can sit down, and I’ll tell you.
Her: Ok.
Me: But I want you to know – you can always talk to me. Ok? You can tell me anything. And I promise I’ll never get angry. I‘m here for you now. You don’t have to rely on his arms to hold you anymore. Or anyone else’s, for that matter. You can rely on me.
Her: [softly]. Ok.
Him: Abbie. Come here now.
Her: Hide!
Me: Abbie come here, come here, quickly!
Her: I can’t, he’ll see me! Come in here, with me! Come and hide!
Me: Abbie, please darling, just come out here. I’ll keep you safe, I promise.
Her: I can’t! I’m scared!
Me: [Stuttering] Ok, ok – I’m coming to get you.
I climb into the skip filled with water.
I begin to wash the clay from my body.
Me: We need to get out of here.
Her: Why?
Me: We can’t keep seeking comfort in the people that hurt us, Abbie.
Her: Will you go first and check that its safe?
Performance Day i
Me: Yes, yes of course. But you have to promise you’ll follow me, as soon as I tell you it’s safe?
Performance Day ii
Me: Ok. But you have to promise you’ll follow me, as soon as I tell you it’s safe?
Performance Day iii
Me: It will be safe, Abbie. But ok – you have to promise you’ll follow me, as soon as I tell you it’s safe?
Performance Day iv
Me: It is safe, Abbie. I’ve checked before. But ok – you have to promise you’ll follow me, as soon as I tell you it’s safe?
Performance Day v
Me: It is safe, Abbie. I’ve checked before. You can trust me, you know? But ok – you have to promise you’ll follow me, as soon as I tell you it’s safe?
Performance Day vi
It is safe, Abbie. I’ve checked before. You can trust me, you know? Take my hand. You have to promise me you won’t let go.
Her: I promise.
Me: Promise, promise?
Her: I promise.
Me: Ok.
